if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’