Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

He wanted to make sure😂

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.