If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
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It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
uncle dave has been through hell
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
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