If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
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I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
This probably isn’t good
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..