Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

#inspiration #foodforthought

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

o shit

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

I’d hang this in my house.