If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.![]()
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CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries