Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Body by burrito

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.