If only.
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Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Finished stitching this today 😇
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.