If only.
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
🤣✨#caturday
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems