If only
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.