If only
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An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful