If only
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My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Simple enough.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
no
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
It kinda feels like this rn
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy