“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
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Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Left at a local drug store…
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
☺️
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
awkward
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad