“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
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Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Don’t forget to tip your server
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.