@PickleRudd

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

You Might Also Like

@Trisarahjtops

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

@Social_Mime

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

@RealCarrotFacts

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

@farleftcoast

The recent fake excitement of soccer in the U.S. confirms my belief that Americans will pretend to like anything they can scream USA about.

@3sunzzz

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

@GrillinChillin9

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

@samlymatters

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

@AristotlesNZ

Tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6min long scream into the phone & let him decide.

@QwertyJones3

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!