“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
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I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket