“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

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Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???


Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.


On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot


The recent fake excitement of soccer in the U.S. confirms my belief that Americans will pretend to like anything they can scream USA about.


Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.



Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.


MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.


Tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6min long scream into the phone & let him decide.


HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president