Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

me as a parent

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬