If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
![]()
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
![]()
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old