If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
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OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
💀💀
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.