Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.