If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
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My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
shampoo implies shampee
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
when revenge coincides with naptime
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
gentlemen, hear me out
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!