Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.