Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

orange cat behavior

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

#Caturday

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

uh oh

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon