“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
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Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”
Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.