If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

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“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”


Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.


I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.


Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.


[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted


jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world


Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.


Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN


You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.


“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.