Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

I’m a bad influence on myself.

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen