If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.