If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
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Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
WHO DID THIS?
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
They’re stuck in your pants?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down