Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

another case of gang violins

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim