If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
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If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
the world’s most popular steaming services
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate