Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

This forever.

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.