If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
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yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.