The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
You Might Also Like
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE