If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
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[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Whisper out to librarians!
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
He took my last fry, your honor
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair