If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

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The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.


Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot


me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower


Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”


Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.


3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?


friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?


Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what