If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
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Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
