@Love_bug1016

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

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@qwertying

Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to…

Husband: Do you mean with other people?

@thepunningman

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

@primawesome

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

@MrSandeepP

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

@MattZimmerr

Some guy asked me at the gym what I eat and I just said “idk whatever I want just in moderation” and he goes “oh.. I don’t eat anything for pleasure, I only eat to fuel my body” ok you definitely only asked me so you could say that but that’s cool psycho

@JannaKillHimNik

What I said: let’s cuddle

What my toddler heard: let’s practice karate moves on moms gut

@PaperWash

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

@Brianhopecomedy

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

@Duke1173

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you