@Love_bug1016: If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
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@rancheroni: football coach: i need you guys to make a play (8 months later at opening night) football coach: wait wtf is this
@iwearaonesie: me [doing laundry] Can this go in the dryer? wife: What does it say on the tag? me: “Made in Vietnam”
@TheToddWilliams: Man: You've been very loyal but it's best we part ways Dog: I don't understand. What's the problem? Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
@rebrafsim: Dracula: I vant to suck your blood Me: well technically, no -- you don't suck what you're drinking. You want to suck my NECK Dracula: vhoa