Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
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Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to…
Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Some guy asked me at the gym what I eat and I just said “idk whatever I want just in moderation” and he goes “oh.. I don’t eat anything for pleasure, I only eat to fuel my body” ok you definitely only asked me so you could say that but that’s cool psycho
What I said: let’s cuddle
What my toddler heard: let’s practice karate moves on moms gut
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you