@Love_bug1016: If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
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@MartaEffing: Turns out you have to *tell* a guy you're going out, otherwise you just end up standing on his doorstep wondering why he's in his sweats.
@carlyken: As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you're left with the last idiot standing.
@lilgapeach32: Dear little baby Jesus, If I got what I deserved, it'd be bad. But my daddy deserves the best. Please send him a handsome son-in-law. Amen
@GrantTanaka: at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back