If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
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The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
OKAY DAD
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]