If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
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Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Welcome
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.