If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
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[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?