If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
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CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat