WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
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Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Optional boss fight.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Hit me in the face with a bird
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests