Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

seems fine

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

I am HOWLING at this

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.