If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.