If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”