If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
awkward
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I’m not lazy
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.