If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.