Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

then why did i get this email