If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
You Might Also Like
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
