If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
This is my emotional support knife.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal