Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.