If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
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Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave