Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
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WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Looking at you, Jesus.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.