If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
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How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time