Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

The legends were true

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY