Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Happy Febuary everyone!

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

Batman v Dracula