Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?