Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?