If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
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I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.