Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

oh my god

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.