If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
You Might Also Like
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?