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“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave