If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.