If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
You Might Also Like
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
My brain is a bad influence on me
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down