If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
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i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Good morning
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic