If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I already tried new things thanks.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.