If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
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I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
can you read it!!??
maan!
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
won’t smith
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.