If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Krampus.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.