If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer