If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song