If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
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Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
who will stop them
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Trumpy Cat
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend