If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
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shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.