If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.