If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
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An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess