If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Pat is about to own someone
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
